Ok, Boomer - Steven Universe
by Tatttletale
Summary: Pearl is not a boomer. / I miss my prim-and-proper Pearl. . . So I brought her back. I had absolutely no excuse. The idea came to me at 9:40pm when I was brushing my teeth and was published at 10:45 on that same night. I had school the next morning.
1. Chapter 1

"The CHIPS! The CHIPS!"

Steven banged on the counter rhythmically, shouting into the shop. After just a few seconds Peedee popped up behind the counter.

"Ssshhh, keep it down!" he cried. "Dad's taking a nap so I have to hold my own for a few hours! Don't make my job difficult, Steven!"

Puberty hadn't been awfully kind to the youngest Fryman. His face had become a constellation of red zits, and at current his record was fifteen voice cracks in a single sentence.

He held out his hand. "That's four dollars."

Steven gaped. "What! You raised the prices."

Peedee shook his head. "If you're upgrading to proper fries they're gonna be more expensive, Steven."

"Fine," he grudgingly agreed, and handed over the bills.

At that moment, his phone buzzed, and he took it out to find the screen lit up with an image of Pearl. One of her first selfies, he remembered fondly—she had taken the phone into her room, insisting on privacy, and when she emerged thirty minutes later, Steven found on it a collection of extremely poised portraits, every single one of them a unique angle and setting. In this one, she sat perched on the edge of a fountain, gazing wistfully into the distance.

Steven answered. "Hello?"

"Steven! It's getting dark. Please be home soon."

"Pearl. . ." he suppressed a sigh. "It's only eight."

"And you need your beauty sleep! We still have missions to attend to, remember?"

"I'm sixteen."

"And Beach City isn't known for its low crime rate! We should know, we've been patrolling this town for decades."

"Okay, fine," he relented, and again checked the time. "I should be home in twenty."

"Thank you! We'll see you then!"

"Bye, Pearl."

"I love you!"

"I love you too."

He hung up and shot Peedee a helpless look.

"What'd she say?"

"I need to be home in half an hour."

Peedee whistled. "That's rough. Doesn't she think you can take care of yourself?"

"She just gets worried. She's. . . protective."

Peedee gazed at him for a moment before breaking out into a grin. "Hey, you know, I could give you a discount on these fries."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Totally! I just want you to do something for me."

Steven groaned. "Of course. What."

"I want you to call Pearl a Boomer."

Steven grimaced. "Seriously?"

"Hey, you want these for free? Then do it."

"Okay, okay, fine," he conceded, and snatched the money back with the fry box. "But if she doesn't like it, I'm blaming it on you."

* * *

No sooner had he walked in the door that he had been overwhelmed with requests.

"Steven, can you test out this shield for me?"

"Steve-o, do you want this apple core or can I have it?"

"Steven, come check out our new meep-morp!"

"Steven, are you free tomorrow to help me study?"

He looked at Connie in surprise. "I thought school was over?"

"Not yet," she sighed. "Still one week to go. And an exam on Thursday."

Cautiously, he turned to the others. "Bismuth, I can test your shield out tomorrow morning. Yes, Amethyst, you can have that. And Peri, I'll see if I can make time tonight. I just need to organise a few things first."

"Like what?" the green Gem scowled.

"Like homework," he replied. "Online courses, remember?"

It was at that moment Pearl entered from the staircase. Without a moment of hesitation she noticed him and spoke. "Steven, can you clean your room?"

She'd been in his room again? This was why he'd had it walled off! Didn't she understand the concept of privacy?

He just stared blankly at her for a moment, fries still steaming in his hands.

She tutted. "Come on! Chop chop!"

That was it. He had absolutely no regard for the consequences and no regret for what he was going to say next.

He levelled her with a neutral stare. "Ok, Boomer."

Everything went quiet for a moment.

Amethyst snorted.

Connie hid her smile behind a hand.

Pearl appeared gobsmacked. "What did you call me?"

"A Boomer," he repeated, eyes fixed on her.

Amethyst burst into guffaws.

She looked at Amethyst. "What's so funny?"

"It's so _true_!" she crowed, wiping at her eyes.

"What?" Pearl glanced between them, confused. "Boomer? What?— Is this a human thing?"

She looked at Connie, who nodded. "Baby Boomers."

"Oh!" Her eyes lit up. "Baby Boomers! The generation born between 1944 and 1964. 'Gen X'." She raised an eyebrow at Steven. "You _know_ I was made well before that. I don't understand what you're implying."

"He's calling you _old_, P," Amethyst sniggered.

She blinked. "Well, he isn't incorrect."

"Oh, I've heard this one!" Peridot piped up. "Boomer! It means a generally an annoying, middle-aged human with conservative views!"

"Annoying?" For a moment, Pearl looked hurt, and then she gasped, scandalised. _"Middle-aged?"_ She looked down at herself in horror, and then the worst dawned on her. _". . . Conservative?"_

"Oh boy," Amethyst mumbled.

Pearl drew a deep breath and, pointing a finger at Steven, she exploded. "_Conservative!_ In all my years I have never been afforded such an insult! I _detest_ authority! I am a _rebel_, I am a _criminal_, I am a _knight_—"

"Who put you up to it?" Connie whispered, leaning over to him.

"Peedee," he admitted, defeated. "He gave me fries—"

"Never would I—and _have_ I—yielded to such degrading standards since my education! Conservatism is _corrupt_, at its extreme right it amounts to _fascism_—to _dictatorship_—to think a person would ever willingly submit themselves to such an ideologically _absurd_ regime!—to allow oneself to be _indoctrinated_ in a political game of cat-and-mouse, subject to violence and threatened into obedience—"

"How long will she go on for?" Steven asked Amethyst meekly.

She shrugged. "She's gone on for _hours_ about it before."

Connie left three hours in. Steven did not get any sleep that night.


	2. political issues (AN)

**To my politically disinterested readers, this "little" side-note is not of relevance to the crackfic. Read on at your own risk!**

SO a very informative review was left by a Guest by the name of "Cycles", which I would have loved to reach out to, but unfortunately can't, because, well, they're a guest, and I thought I'd reply with my own totally-not-disclaimers.

As a Modern Historian myself, I totally agree with all of Cycles' points.

I definitely appreciate the ambiguity of the term "conservative" and the stereotypes associated with right-wing politics. As they've said, conservatism is the protection of certain values as opposed to revolution, and once even a revolutionary has enforced their ideologies, they may become conservative as a means of protecting their values.

And, of course, conservatism comes from both the right and left wings, even though conservatism is more generally associated with right and revolution associated with left. And the only reason this is so is because right-wing political ideas have been prominent in many of the world's industrial cultures through monarchy/fascism*/dictatorship, as Cycles has stated, and the people in power in these societies have of course protected their values as a means of staying in power - which has had conservatism manifest as a stereotype of the right-wing.

(*though, of course, fascism is more of a subset of dictatorship.)

Because this is a crackfic, of course I've largely simplified these ideas and stuck to stereotypes for a more humorous effect, but I greatly appreciate Cycles' input. Political awareness is becoming of increasing importance in our world and I thank them for ensuring my readers are not left ignorant!

There was also another reader on AO3 who got a little upset at my parodied generalisations of politics in my "condemning" of right-wing. Definitely, the NSDAP used socialism as a mask with which they took over the German state and enforced the _Volksgemeinschaft_ ("national community") and I fully recognise that socialism/communism/left-wing ideologies can become corrupt and evolve into ogliarchies. . . which is. . . strange, that people like Stalin (USSR) and Jinping (China) have enforced Communist states with ultimately turn out to be autocratic and repressive. So, uh, I guess there is an argument that technically autocracies (which are generally right-wing of nature) are the cause of many political problems, uh. . . but that left-wing ideas can definitely become corrupt. . . heheh. . .

I would also like to address the issue of Pearl's actually being subservient to the Authority/Pink/Rose for so long. In my view, that's more of a obsessive love thing to me than a courtier/loyal subject thing. As for Pearl's silence, of course, Sugar has already stated that Pink's silencing hold over Pearl was a result of physical owner/Pearl bonds. And I'd also like to think that since Pearl has grown so much in her character and has actually become more independent of Rose and come to terms with her mistakes, she can even more wholeheartedly embrace the idea of revolution/anarchy/opposing autocracy.

Also - the Gems and humans! I feel like Pearl definitely dislikes human politics but, as Cycles has said, the Gems' sticking to a "backwater" like Beach City sort of supports my idea of their unsaid law: staying out of human affairs as best as they can unless they're somehow tied to Gem issues.

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.


	3. cycles notice me (temporary)

hi cycles i've finally replied to you uhhh it's back in the chapter deux


End file.
